i have officially completely lost my voice.
ALSO! every garbage in my apartment is overflowing with kleenex; i’m too ill, tired, and whiney to even think about hanging up all my clothes or mopping the floors, and there are dishes sitting in the sink from days ago. hi, my name is elle, and i’m USELESS when i’m sick.
for any of ya’ll who don’t know me, i literally get sick roughly once a month, and i’m on antibiotics most of the time. i think they’re starting to know me at the walk-in clinic too. they don’t even check for anything anymore, i tell them what i have and they just GIVE me the prescription. my pharmacist thinks i’m bat-shit crazy and addicted to being a dipshit, which um, is kind of right. we’re six months into 2010 and i’ve used up all my sick days and now i’m officially using my vacation days to nurse my dumb body back to health. apparently my idea of a vacation is sitting in my air-conditioned house in my underwear, with a bottle of codeine in one hand and reality tv shows on repeat.
my boss thinks i’m being dramatic.
i’m wasting VACATION DAYS on re-runs, hacking up green shit, and blowing blood out of my nose. yes, this is how i want to spend my summer, you fucking dillhole! it’s not my fault my immune system is non-existent. it’s not like i spend my free time touching door knobs and rubbing my eyes, or licking homeless people.
all you have to do is put me in proximity to someone with the common cold, and i’ll have the pneumonic plague in under ten minutes. it’s like my body thinks it’s fucking hilarious to play these silly games with me.
me: yo! let’s get buck wild this weekend
body: please don’t. i’m like, super tired, and there’s a 16 and pregnant marathon on i could totally get into
me: quit being 80 and get off your ass
body: die in a fire
me: screw you!
body: no but for reals, i’m super tired
me: I’M INVINCIBLE.
and then i go on these super fun trips to montreal or spend three days in a cottage with chain-smokers and the conversation goes more like this
body: i told you not to fuck with me
me: i hate you
body: SKREEEE! *erupts into 4 different diseases*
this is my life, yo.
tonight i’m meeting luc after work and going to the mall for work shoes and possibly work pants and most definitely sneezing into his mouth for being a jerk because the guy NEVER gets sick. he must lick thousands of homeless people and he’s still NEVER sick. i’ve sneezed on him like 100 times and i secretly wipe my snot on him when he’s not looking and he’s basically doing the irish jig at work right now. and by irish jig i mean healthy jig. jerk.
anyway so i already took the day off tomorrow (vacation day! weee!) so i can wallow in self-pity, take my medicine, and watch how i met your mother ALL. DAY. LONG.
it’s kind of a lose-win situation.
i like those odds.