i’m a creature of habit.
i buy the same things at the grocery store on a weekly basis, i enjoy an evening completed with a bubble bath, a fresh coat of nail polish, and a joint pressed tightly between my fingers before i lean over to flick the switch off my anchor lamp on my bedside table. i always put avocados in my sandwiches, i call brad at 4:30 every single day when i’m leaving the office, and i’m comforted by the smell of my bedsheets when i wake up. i’m not good at mornings, i rarely rotate shampoo brands, i’ve been wearing the same perfume for over five years, and i’m damn near unbearable to be around when my routines are fucked with.
i’m also bad at new relationships.
horrible at them, even.
what if i’m holding on too tightly? what if i haven’t been holding on tightly enough? am i selfless, and when i smile- can he feel it in his gut; could my love move mountains? i fluctuate between feeling like the best girlfriend on the planet, and wondering if he may be missing out on something greater. it’s a horrible issue of self-confidence, and i’m aware of how debilitating it can be.
a few weeks ago, brad left for ten days on a road trip to the states, and my mornings were fucked because i hate waking up without him, and my afternoons were a write-off because i constantly checked my phone at the time i knew he’d be waking up if he were home- knowing i wouldn’t hear from him constantly because of long-distance charges… and that’s where it hit me.
at that point, he had been gone exactly five days, and i missed his frigging guts.
i missed his daily texts, and the sound of his voice at 4:30 in the afternoon, and the taste of his lips after dinner. i missed the smell of his laundry detergent, and the sound of him exhaling as he would fall asleep next to me, and again when i’d wake up before him. i missed cooking dinner together, and playing scrabble in the evenings, and drinking chai tea at the movie theatre. i missed the way he’d play with my hands, as we layed on his bed- soaking in a silence so comfortable i could barely even describe it.
FIVE DAYS, he was gone when i realized how much i cared about him.
FIVE DAYS, when i realized it wouldn’t work between us.
it isn’t about independence…
it’s just that things felt so goddamn good when he was around that i could forget about the bullshit inside of my head. i could soak in the habitual lifestyle we’d created over a year, and find comfort in things being just so.
i like normalcy.
i’m comfortable with mediocrity.
i’m not intimidated by routine.
i don’t need extravagance, or new adventures every single day. of course i’m curious about how the air smells in europe, or how many pina coladas i can shove into my face for free in the carribean. i’ll always crave new experiencesand incredible stories, and adding push-pins to the destinations i’ve been to, on the map in my heart.
who doesn’t ache for that?
but until those things can happen, i just need someone who’ll love me the way i love them- comfortably, and whole-heartedly, and honestly.
and while brad did love me in a certain way, and take care of me, and make me feel like the greatest part of his life… there were so many little important pieces to a relationship that had been lost between us along the way. maybe we waited so many years to finally be together, that a lot of that passion had dwindled. and while i whole-heartedly adore everything about him that makes him who he is… in loving him, i was loving less of myself. i was settling for a relationship that didn’t make my heart burst the way i know it needs to.
i don’t have any regrets. we needed to finally give us a shot to figure out if it was worth doing. and while i am still struggling to learn how to be his best friend again, struggling to learn to say our hellos and goodbyes that don’t end so awkwardly… i am reminding myself how lucky i am to have a friend like him in my life. a friend who will drop anything he is doing, if i need him by my side. someone who will hold me when i’m sad, or comfort me when i am having panic attacks. a friend who knows my moods, the tone of my voice, and that when i say “i’m fine”, i actually mean “you’re being a prick and i fucking hate you, right now”. because i need that- the comfort of a male figure like him who loves me with without trying, and who gets me without forcing it.
it won’t be easy.
we can both be incredibly jealous, and selfish when it comes to each other. but at least now we know our timing is off, and we’ll need to move forward without the title of boyfriend/girlfriend, to figure out what we want, and who we want to be, and what is best for each of us- together, or apart.