thirty facts


picture by julie hope

1. i have an irrational fear of the dark, i.e. i start having panic attacks and shut my eyes until i can turn a light on. i actually spent the better part of my teenage years sleeping with lights & the tv on… it’s a little better now, only slightly.

2. i fall in love with cities i’ve never been to. i think it started when i was sixteen and began reading the blog of a previously heroin-addicted twenty-one-year old living in portland. i loved everything about her- her wardrobe, her taste in music, the way she described her love life, and the beauty of her city. her self-destructive life was so appealing and punk rock- until it became my reality and i finally understood the sadness in her words.

3. i honestly believe the only reason i was put on this earth is to become a mother; my ideal job would be a stay-at-home mom.

4. i hate watching people eat peanut butter on its own. a lot of my friends open the little packages of it while we wait for breakfast at the diner, and it makes me heave a little. i don’t know why, considering how much i love peanut butter.

5. i’m particular when it comes to how my food is placed on my plate- especially with breakfast foods. when i get my plate at a restaurant, i rearrange it to my liking.

6. i get really emotionally attached to songs, and bands. if a song means something to me, i can listen to it a million times on repeat and not get sick of it (on my twenty first birthday, dan danced with me in my living room until well past 4 in the morning, singing “temptation” by new order to me, on repeat, for hours). i cry almost every single time i listen to cat power, i can relate to every single tegan & sara song ever written, and ani difranco got me through the majority of my relationship with m.

7. when i sleep away from home, i get separation anxiety from my cat.

8. my chest piece is one of the most sentimental pieces i have tattooed on my body. i thought of the idea when i was still with m- and i promised myself it would be completed when i finally left him. mission accomplished.

9. i talk about butts, farts, poo, masturbation, sex, and my vagina a lot. too much, actually.

10. second to being a mom, i cannot wait to become an aunt. like, my head will implode and so will the internet, the day i find out my sister-in-law is expecting. i actually decided against moving out of this city when my brother told me he was proposing a few years back.

11. speaking of my brother- he’s one of the people i look up to most. his strength, his determination, his charisma, his intelligence, the way he loves his wife… everything about him is remarkable. i love him to the moon and back. he makes me want to be better.

12. i can touch my tongue to my nose.

13. i have an unnatural obsession with pizza. i like it in and around my mouth. it’s true… ask the nine pairs of jeans in my closet that don’t fit me anymore!

14. i curse like a sailor.

15. there is nothing i hate more than cigarettes.

16. attempting to swim makes me really anxious. either i need to be able to touch the bottom, or i’m using some sort of flotation device. besides, what’s the point of being in a lake, the ocean, or a pool, unless i’m relaxing with a beer in my hand.

17. i can’t peel oranges.

18. i’m addicted to crime shows… mostly law & order SVU and criminal minds.

19. i’m a poor girl. i was raised a poor girl, i am a poor girl, and i have a feeling i’ll be broke until the day i die. i have this awful fear that i’ll work these mundane, mindless office jobs forever, and i’ll never even buy a house. it scares the shit out of me.

20. i’m a sucker for the banjo and the organ, big time.

21. i have a super goofy laugh. more of a cackle, actually. it’s really quite embarrassing.

22. my nipples are always hard… it’s the weirdest thing. i’m not kidding! ask dan- he always makes fun of me and calls me a weirdo.

23. i can’t sing. like, even a little bit. i KNOW i’m tone-deaf.

24. my biggest weakness? chocolate milkshakes.

25. i LOVE being photographed. lucky for me, i have a lot of photographer friends.

26. if i feed my cat in the morning without giving him treats, i feel super guilty. i’ve actually walked away, and then walked back to the kitchen to give him treats because it eats away at me. is that weird?

27. my biggest vice, other than being a lush, is procrastination. on a serious level, folks.

28. i have a huge hard-on for geeks. like, actual smarty-pants. a well-dressed person who loves to read, is well-spoken and articulate, who has a passion for writing, photography, music, and/or science? holy-fucking-swoon.

29. when dan wears a plaid button-up shirt, rolled up jeans, cherry doc martens, and slicks his hair back… my ovaries twitch a little and i actually can’t keep my hands off him. my boyfriend is like, really, really ridiculously good-looking.

30. i have this thing for female vocalists. whether it’s punk, indie, or folk… throw it on, and i’m a dancing, singing, cleaning-in-my-undies machine! i just can’t get enough of my girlie music. dan even got me a t-shirt of kathleen hannah (singer of bikini kill & le tigre) sitting in a bed on the phone, eating a cheeseburger. if that’s not love, i don’t know what is.

idea borrowed from the cutest little miss elycia

30 days – day 4

a habit you wish you didn’t have:

oh, good lord. i have probably eight thousand bad habits- and my mother can totally vouch for that. alright, let’s see what i can come up with…

- i chew the inside of my bottom lip when i’m nervous
- i put away all my clean clothes into the drawers they belong in, but i leave everything that needs to be hung up on the couch in my bedroom.. and i have A LOT of clothes.
- i buy coffee almost every morning
- i generally don’t let myself get too close or involved emotionally with men; unless they live in another city, or are in some way unavailable… mostly out of fear of rejection or getting hurt.
- i eat before napping
- i’ve always been an over-achiever when it comes to working… my boss thinks it’s because my brother is so successful, and i’m trying to prove to everyone that i’m not a total skid. i think he’s right.
- i change outfits 20 times before leaving the house. it’s like i hit puberty, my ass exploded in size (i became a woman), and i still haven’t forgiven my sixteen year old self (or my mother’s genes) for growing up.
- i eat my meals one section at a time… it drives my parents insane
- i fall asleep with makeup on and contacts in (WORST!)
- i wash, curl, and hairspray my hair every single day
- i make a really annoying gag noise when something grosses me out… most people think it’s funny; i hear myself do it and i want to punch myself in the head
- i scream during horror movies, and say the weirdest shit to the characters when i’m scared…
- i spend money i shouldn’t spend on things i don’t need

there are millions more, but i think that’s enough for now!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

30 days – day 2

the meaning behind my blog name:

when i started writing again, and decided i was finally going to start being honest about my past, i knew i didn’t want to use my real name. for one, i’m brutally honest on this website, and i haven’t done much to conceal where i live… so i wanted to write using a pseudonym- mostly for safety reasons.

a friend recently asked me why i share such intimate, awful, sometimes disturbing stories- and i was put off because i’d never been asked so bluntly… no one’s ever challenged the content of this blog. for the longest time i was dishonest about my relationship with m not only to myself, but with my family and friends, too. i feel like i have finally created a space where i can safely be myself, and not worry about the consequences. i don’t feel like i need to censor myself based on my audience. i use this space to laugh, to cry, to scream at the top of my lungs, to blow off some steam, to make people laugh… it’s mine, and i’m proud of the love and content i put into it.

i admit some of it is uncomfortable to read, and i’m not looking for sympathy… i’ve made my peace with the reality of being with (and without) an abusive man for four years, and although i’ve moved on and i’ve made strides in my progress- it still is (and always will be) a part of my life; a part of me. i’m trying not to let it define me, but it still is a pain i’ll live with, in the back of my mind, forever. i’ve made friends here, i’ve helped some cope with their own truths, and i’ve voiced the things i did to finally be honest with myself, and try to put those demons to rest.

most of the people i know in real life have no idea this website exists, have no idea of my life with m, or of any of the things that happened behind closed doors… and that’s my safety. that’s how i like it. and for those who know me personally, and do read this website- that’s a choice they make on their own.

anyway!

for as long as i can remember, my friends have added “little” in front of my name because i’m really short. the first letter to my real name is L, hence “little L”; little elle.

i wanted a feminine name that remained true to me, while giving me that sense of anonymity i feel i still need.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

30 days – day 1

15 interesting facts about me:

1. i gag at the thought, sight, and mention of cucumbers
2. i’m terrified of the dark
3. i can’t peel oranges
4. i never really learned to swim
5. i drink coffee every day
6. i moved out when i was seventeen, and i’ve moved 8 times since then
7. i’ve lived alone twice
8. i work as an executive assistant to a comptroller of a company
9. i’m really bad with money
10. i love to cook, clean, and do laundry
11. i hate sleeping anywhere but my own bed
12. i’ve never broken a bone in my body- but my left pinky and thumb are both double-jointed
13. i hate being in lakes, oceans, or pools in the dark
14. i have an irrational fear of strangers breaking into my house while i’m home
15. i’ve met brent spiner and he asked to see my boobs (that story will never get old!)

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name
Day 03- A recent picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero/fictional character and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?