a couple of years ago or something, i was yanked from my mama’s belly and forced into this world a month prematurely.
that’s what they call foreshadowing, my friends.
i am never ready for anything life has planned for me, and i’ve been running in circles with one foot nailed to the ground, trying desperately to get somewhere (anywhere).
this isn’t how i was supposed to spend my birthday.
i wasn’t supposed to fall asleep on the couch, with dan’s hand on my back, and wake up alone in our bed- as he slept sideways on a small futon-type bullshit contraption… one room over, yet lightyears away.
i’ve made my peace with the breakup. the more time i spend apart from him, the more i realize this is what’s best for me in the long run. it’s not that he wasn’t enough… he was more than i could have ever hope for. it’s just that we aren’t compatible when it comes to what we need in a relationship. the reason i’m most frustrated is because i trusted him with this, with us… and he ripped it from under my own feet. i didn’t just lose my boyfriend, my roommate… i lost my very best friend. i lost the man who slept in my bed when i was sad, who danced with me til 4am on my birthday last year, who sang new order songs to me to cheer me up, who sat in the yard for hours drinking sangria made from scratch with me on hot summer afternoons, the man who dressed up and went to a halloween party with me despite not wanting to leave the house at all. i lost the man who called me every night to spend time with me after long shifts at work, the man who watched movies with me until 6 in the morning on a couch half the size of me because i couldn’t sleep. i lost everything.
and he says i haven’t lost him, really. that he will always be my best friend, he will always love me, we will forever have a connection stronger than most… but i can’t feel that way. things will never, ever be the same between us. not as lovers, not as roommates, not as friends. i knew it was a risk i was willing to take, i just didn’t realize it was a reality i’d ever have to face. that’s where the anger stems from. i was naive, and he wasn’t careful.
part of me wants to wrap my hands around his shoulders, shake him real hard, and yell at him for giving up on himself so goddamn easily. don’t get me wrong, my heart beats big inside of me, but if i am unhappy about something you’ll know. i couldn’t hide my feelings from a rock, especially if those feelings are negative. i wish he thought he was worth as much as i know he is. i wish he had faith in himself; his ability to love and be great.
being insightful and positive about everything all the time is exhausting. dan’s plans to move out ASAP are kind of up in the air considering he might be homeless if his old roommates don’t stop being jerks. and i may be an asshole and all, but i would die before throwing him out on the streets- regardless of the circumstances. we’ve already established that living together still is heartbreaking, but i am not a monster, either.
so now? i wait.
i wait to leave this job. i wait to find a roommate and re-arrange/decorate the apartment that soon won’t be “ours”. i wait to figure out a life path that will take me anywhere but where i’ve been. i guess i never believed in five year plans because i was too busy trying to survive the next five minutes. i’ve been so caught up in my own selfish bullshit and i’ve been unfair to myself for so, so long.
i’ve been semi-offered a semi-opportunity to make roughly 15k more than what i make now if i take a brief course for it in school.
i don’t even know what the hell i’m thinking or what path i plan on taking. but the next few weeks are going to be a total whirlwind.
in the meantime, though?
goddamn it i love birthdays. i am a million years young, and i feel a million years old, and i still get giddy when people go out of their way to be extra awesome on my birthday.
my friends and family have gone (are continuing to go) above and beyond to make sure today is filled with happiness and laughter and hugs and kisses and extravagant meals and plans and i am so blessed to have this kind of support and unconditional love around me at all times. my parents sent me a love fern at the office, and my brother called me from paris. i was treated to a lovely dinner last night, and am going to another one again tonight. i have pictures and details and so much to share with all of you, and i can’t wait.
in any case…
i’m really focusing on the bigger, brighter picture. and although this transition period is going to be one hell of a bitch, i know things will work out alright in the end.
i can do this.
i can do this.