Tag Archives: real conversations

who am i kidding- i could never deny myself a half-decent deli sandwich

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me: i had quizno’s yesterday and it was fucking DELICIOUS :(

gwen: HAHAHAHAHA DUDE. I JUST WOKE UP, SAW YOUR FACEBOOK COMMENT, LAWLED IMMENSELY. fuckin’ quizno’s.

me: it had fucking guaccamole on it, what do you want from me?!

gwen: hahahah, i fucking told you so BITCHHH!

me: i still think it’s over-priced. but i enjoyed it, FUCK.

gwen: suck ma dick (like, fourteen times in a row, because she’s twelve, apparently)

me: you’re dead to me

gwen: hey, dead gwen update: heaven rules. i’m in my undies eating hotdogs.

me: that’s not heaven, that’s your every day life you fucking hobo! and don’t start on “…but the government IS a real employer” … you watch ps. i love you with your shoes off at your desk all day.

gwen: hahahah fuck i love you. everything about that was… perfect. let me bring you some wine and tits soon please? k thx.

me: you had me at tits.

— and, SCENE.

either i’m completely and madly in love with my best friend, or we are awful to each other and need new, better friends.

i can’t decide.

post script: i KNOW her boobs are fabulous

post, post script: don’t let her bangin’ bod and modeling career fool you- she is bat-shit crazy, and the only human openly willing to be my best friend and take me out IN PUBLIC. to like, fancy places. where other humans are. sigh, she’s great.

epiloge: i guess i’ll keep her.

well the weather outside is weather

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what the hell, universe?! everyone on the entire planet has a snow day except me?! i’ll bet twenty canadian dollars that i will be snowed in by 2pm- in which case some serious skull-bashing will commence.

my mood today? sunshine and fucking daffodils. no, actually! the stores are dead, and my office is quiet and peaceful. although i’d totally prefer watching a criminal minds marathon on my couch, in my undies, with my snoring boyfriend, than be stuck here all day. half the people didn’t even come in because they’re snowed in at home! and i even got here on time, by bus!

it’s fine, i’m actually just spending the day texting my long distance bff- she recently had an accident (car, not undies), so she’s running around the city getting appraisals and slitting her own wrists in this weather. german engineering? brilliant, yet expensive. not that i would know- i take the nerd train to work every day.

real conversation:

her: jason doesn’t say it. unless he’s really drunk and the newfie comes out.

me: 666

her: WPWW

me: white power woo woo?

her: 88 = HH … HH = hail hunter!

me: wingeddeathangel6969

her: satanisinmypants666

me: ihaveaboner09 @ hotmail dot com

her: whatchmetokyodrifttowork @ aol

me: @ohshitdontdiesofuriously on twitter

sad/best part is? 97% of this makes sense to me.

i’ve actually been here 2.5 hours and i think i already have cabin fever!

elle-dawg, over & out.

reasons why i’m shitty (in pictures)

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my tv schedule is not only absurd, it’s in my calendar

i complain about winter, even though this is the most snow we’ve gotten all season (and it’s already mostly gone)

i ate here this weekend (barf)

note: only worth it because when we got home, dan said this: “i’m not that mad about spending $30 on breakfast because i got to stare at how frigging cute your little nose is the entire time we were there”

i cram my friends into the trunk of a hatchback when going to said barfy restaurant for 2pm breakfast.

i ice my friends

i make said friends wear snuggies and cuddle my cat

i get giant un-poppable zits in the middle of my forehead

i shit you not!

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dan: still alive!

me: oh thank god! the spookiest thing just happened to me

dan: waz dat?

me: my office door has a keypad lock to get in, and no one in this office has the password. i closed the door completely because i was listening to music fairly loudly, and all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, i see it opening slowly until it’s halfway open… even though it’s locked from the outside. and i’m alone upstairs because the president and comptroller are out for meetings.

dan: IT’S THE CENTRETOWN HAMMER RAPIST! *

me: AW, FUCK!

* YES, this is a real thing happening in my ‘hood right now

danimal

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last night i came home to find this beside the bed:

it reads:

hello, this is DAN and i just wanted to leave you a note telling you how pretty and great i think you are. i’m gonna go make burritos at work now. keep up the awesomeness please.
love,
danimal <3 xoxoxo

… not to mention the bed was made and the dishes were done.

it's like i've died and gone to housewife(husband?) heaven.

left & leaving

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her: you changed your number, you move every few months- i don’t even know where your new house is! it’s like you’re trying to disappear.
me: exactly.

after months of indecision, he finally decided to pack his bags and move out of the city with his on-again, off-again girlfriend. i got the news last night. i had just poured my second glass of wine, and i was angrily describing my endeavours to fall off the map, when she interrupted me.

but… he’s gone, she said.

he’d apparently been changing his mind over and over (i’m not surprised), and finally he decided to leave. last i heard he was still working at the same shop, living in my neighbourhood. but he left. he’s over two hours away from my house, from me. he’s gone.

i can’t stop saying that.

he left
he moved
he no longer lives here

he’s gone.

exhale.

my mother is good at the internet

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From: Elle
Sent: June 9, 2010 2:45 PM
To: Roxane
Subject:

can I come cook in your yard so I look all cute and sun-kissed for the wedding?

—

From: Roxane
Sent: Wednesday, June 09, 2010 2:51 PM
To: Elle
Subject:

For sure, but we can go on long leisurely walks too.

—

From: Elle
Sent: June 9, 2010 2:51 PM
To: Roxane
Subject:

that’s nice and all (and yes we totally will)… but I want my whole body to be brown ;)

—

From: Roxane
Sent: Wednesday, June 09, 2010 2:53 PM
To: Elle
Subject:

NUDE SUN BATHING?

—

From: Elle
Sent: June 9, 2010 2:56 PM
To: Roxane
Subject:

WELL NO!

—

From: Roxane
Sent: Wednesday, June 09, 2010 3:05 PM
To: Elle
Subject:

I KNOW – JUST PLAYING WIF YOU.

ah, crap.

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katie joy says:
leave work and come hang out with me

elle says:
you can’t tempt me to do things that will render me jobless!

katie joy says:
they wont fire you

katie joy says:
tell them you’re having a heart attack

katie joy says:
or

katie joy says:
something to do with your ovaries

katie joy says:
that always works

elle says:
i’ve used all of these already

katie joy says:
hmmm

katie joy says:
i could be dying?

elle says:
don’t even!

katie joy says:
doooooooooooo iiiiiiit

katie joy says:
you could meet my little bundle of joy

elle says:
i almost cubicle-barfed via my butt this morning. i was going to use that…

elle says:
like wtf is my bowel’s issue?

elle says:
have one honest to goodness healthy shit, elle.

katie joy says:
hahahahahaahha

katie joy says:
well

katie joy says:
use that as an excuse

katie joy says:
then come shit at my house

katie joy says:
and meet my dog

elle says:
i would but i have a meeting until 7pm. so i actually have to shit my pants instead

katie joy says:
he shits everywhere you will be in good company

elle says:
oh man, we’re kindred spirits!

katie joy says:
i hate your meeting

elle says:
yeah, my meeting totally needs to die in a fire.

elle says:
and THEN, i need to go to the new place to do more cleaning and painting activities.

katie joy says:
oh i am so jealous

elle says:
really? come play in the previous tenants shit and piss

elle says:
because apparently they did that EVERYWHERE

elle says:
like, it used to be a crack den. and i’m pretty sure they were so hopped up they decided to crawl behind the toilet and take a dump.

katie joy says:
SIGH

katie joy says:
is it cheap at least?

katie joy says:
where is it?

elle says:
not even a little bit! it’s $860/month, on ***** street.

katie joy says:
thats so gay

elle says:
but it’s charming and quirky and i’m totally fixing it up and it already looks amazing.

elle says:
like, i thought the toilet was actually a cream colour. nope. it’s white.

katie joy says:
oh gross

elle says:
yeah. like they totally cooked meth on my perfect little stove, too. ass holes.

now THAT’S friendship!

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katie joy says:
i found this wireless remote control vibrator

katie joy says:
that i really want to buy

katie joy says:
which i think would be fun for going out to dinner

elle says:
oh my god!

elle says:
youre so funny.

elle says:
wait… would it be totally weird if we both got that, and went out to dinner together? and made fun of each other.

katie joy says:
basically it would be hilarious since we’d obvs have to trade controllers?

elle says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

that’s the way it works, right?

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elle says:
i feel like i might be gooey between the legs but im afraid to check in case im not cause then i’ll just kill myself.

bizKoti says:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

bizKoti says:
GOOEY BETWEEN THE LEGS

bizKoti says:
GREAT

elle says:
YOU KNOW

elle says:
LIKE, WITH BLOOD

bizKoti says:
stop gushing

bizKoti says:
stop? i need to START

bizKoti says:
start then

bizKoti says:
stab it

elle says:
if i stab it does it count as my period?

bizKoti says:
i think so

bizKoti says:
thats the way it works, right?

elle says:
that’s what i read on the internets

elle says:
dear google: how does one start her period?

elle says:
google: STAB SELF IN GINA

bizKoti says:
do it

bizKoti says:
stab stab stab

elle says:
current mood: stabby

bizKoti says:
current mood : LOLLING

bizKoti says:
or ill stab you in the vagina with a penis

elle says:
omg can you?

bizKoti says:
omg i might

elle says:
stab me with a penis?

elle says:
find a good one

bizKoti says:
A penis yes.

elle says:
stab me with it

bizKoti says:
not mine

bizKoti says:
stay away from mine

elle says:
why not yours?

elle says:
im not gushing yet

bizKoti says:
THATS WHY

bizKoti says:
start gushing then we’ll talk

elle says:
you only like me bleeding, great.

elle says:
our love life is a cannibal corpse video

bizKoti says:
same thing

bizKoti says:
im actually laughing hysterically. i feel crazy

elle says:
crazy with love

bizKoti says:
whats a smart word for “got”

elle says:
have, acquire, receive

bizKoti says:
acquired? can i do that?

bizKoti says:
my entire paper is me hanging out in the thesaurus.

bizKoti says:
I LOVE RESOURCES

elle says:
i totally read “my entire paper is me hanging out in the uterus”

bizKoti says:
same thing

elle says:
my mind is on my belly and my belly’s on my mind

bizKoti says:
birth me

bizKoti says:
i want to come out of you

elle says:
you can come on it

elle says:
or in it

elle says:
not out of it

elle says:
that’s just science.

bizKoti says:
out then on

bizKoti says:
then around

bizKoti says:
then out again

bizKoti says:
then in

bizKoti says:
then out, out, in, in

bizKoti says:
IN, IN, IN, IN, IN, IN

elle says:
did you just have internet sex with me?

elle says:
what are you, 12?

bizKoti says:
did it work?

elle says:
kind of

elle says:
i’m wet

elle says:
unless that’s my period

bizKoti says:
im seriously cackling