Tag Archives: the book

three years, one day

Posted on by

9

an excerpt from honey bee- a memoir by little elle


[Jan. 14th, 2009|10:01 pm]

I think about you on your birthday. I think of you late into the month of September- before it’s too cold for jean jackets, but long enough after gold bikinis. I wonder if you’d be proud of me… if you saw me today, years later. I wonder if you’d look at me and smile, if you’d love me the way we were supposed to love each other. I daydream about the slight curl in your chocolate hair: tucked carelessly behind your ears. I wonder if you’d have mama’s toes and your father’s dark eyes. I think of the smallest, most quiet things about you, and I wish with every ounce of me that we made the right decision together. The hardest part is not being able to speak of our intimacy, because no one has a clue you even existed. You will always be the bigger, better part of me.

My heart beats once for me, but it will always beat twice for you.

oh hi, nice to meet you!

Posted on by

32

when i was younger, one of my childhood best friends nakia got me hooked on the chicken soup books. she read me a poem called somebody should have taught him, and i was instantly hooked. i’d sit in my pink bedroom reading it over and over until i knew every single word by heart. i started writing in journals then- i even remember the first poem i’d ever written:

love is like a beautiful white dove
it flies up so high
not even wondering why
it comes and goes
it goes and comes
just like love
and the little white dove

i was nine years old.

ever since that day, i’ve had tons of journals and blogs. when i finally left m for the last time, i compiled every single blog/journal entry i’d ever written about him since i met him when i was sixteen, and turned it into a book. most entries were left un-edited, and it’s been sent in for layout. it’s been a long process and i don’t know if or when it’ll ever actually be published (it’s a long process, and it requires money!), and all those blogs have been deleted since then.

writing has been both uplifting, and heart-breaking for me. if it weren’t for my blogs, i probably wouldn’t remember half of what happened with m. i have days, months, and years worth of my life written down. one night, a few weeks before leaving him, we laid in bed and i read some of those old posts to him, while he cried quietly and played with my hands. i emphasized on all the pain and anger in those posts- all the terrible things he (totally forgot) he did. the easiest part about leaving him was being able to immerse myself into the past; into those posts, and truly remember how awful he made me feel constantly.

i’ve had a few readers comment on here, or email me personally to tell me how much they appreciate my writing- to tell me that i’ve touched them in some way… and that’s the biggest honour to receive as a writer- to have someone come forward and tell you they appreciate you, or thank you for putting into words what they haven’t been able to articulate.

i’m so lucky to have made new friendships with some of these people- some i speak to daily, or send text messages to, or receive emails from, and i LOVE that. i’m happy i stepped outside of myself and created a blog again and have had the opportunity to “meet” so many cool people.

the amount of comments i get is nowhere NEAR the amount of visits my blog gets on a daily basis.

whether you comment here regularly, you’ve only said hi once, or you’ve never said anything at all- i’d love to get to know all of you a little better! i’ve come up with a few fun questions you can fill out in the comments section (or you can send me an email if you’re shy, desperate.colours@gmail.com)

hi! i’m elle, but you can call me e

my favourite colour is: yellow & gold
my favourite book is: dangerous angels by francesca lia block
my favourite movie is: home alone 1 & 2, true romance
three bands i currently have on repeat are: seabear, the polar bear club, the jim yoshi pile-up
if i could be anywhere right now, i’d be: on a beach in the dominican republic, or my bed
tea or coffee: coffee, though i usually drink tea
my biggest fear is: car accidents, not having children
people think i’m weird because: i LOATHE cucumbers & pt cruisers, and i can’t peel oranges or swim
in five years i want to be: married, at the very least
my kids names are: n/a
my dream job would be: accomplished writer, stay-at-home-mom
people say i’m: quirky, funny, impossible
i think i’m: exhausting
the song i relate to most is: engine driver, by the decemberists

now it’s your turn- i want to get to know a little bit about you!

ox

- e

honey bee: an update

Posted on by

6

oh my god, you guys.

i got a chance to speak with A. about my book. i sent it in for layout and editing a few months ago, so this was the first chance we got to sit down and actually talk about the changes, and options. we got to discuss book size and layout, as well as what the cover will look like. i took his suggestions and worked on them yesterday- reading my whole story from beginning to end for the first time in months. i always read certain parts here and there, but never all the way through, from front to back. because this story is a memoir of the four years spent with and without my abusive ex-boyfriend M., it’s VERY hard to go back and relive everything. to go through those emotions again and remember them so vividly. there are certain parts where i can remember what we were wearing, where we were standing, what the house smelled like, or which lights were on. i remember the placement of furniture, which paintings were on the wall, which position i was laying in when he told me certain things. reading through every word i’d written about M. since the day i met him made my heart ache so violently. you simply can’t deny the effect young love has on someone. in some ways i envy those who never really fell in love until they become adults- until they were mature enough to handle what love is, or at least what love should be. to be strong enough to walk away before you reach a point of no return.

it breaks my heart to realize the only times i could ever write passionately were the times i’ve written about M. why is it that i can’t open my heart, or my mind to write about anything else?

i have snippets of my life with andy, scribbled here and there. but nothing like this. i remember telling a friend that i was afraid to start writing about andy, in case i ever had to stop. i guess i called that one, huh?

after spending the day going over every word i’d ever written about M., i went home and collapsed in bed. i slept from 6:30pm til this morning, when i had to be up for work. as happy as i am that all of this is actually going somewhere, i just want it to be finished.

A. said he’d like to publish honey bee for july 2010.

fingers crossed.

closure

Posted on by

0

i used to memorize your hands.

the way the ink stained them, and how steady they were, always. how immaculately manicured, yet impossibly manly they were. i spent so long trying to analyze them- like they were the pit of our downfall. how they touched, felt, held… loved everyone, anyone but me. how they felt on my waist, on my face, on my skin. how so many other women felt them, at some point. i often wonder what they looked like, wrapped tightly around my neck. how you could possibly look down at your own two hands, clenched so tightly on me. “live life” tattooed to your knuckles, as you pressed deeper on my throat with your thumbs. i play it over and over, and over in my mind.

i was barely nineteen.

i’m so lucky to have escaped you. so lucky to have avoided your presence in our small city for so long. you visit me often- in vivid dreams. in them, you love me like you always did: hard, and painfully. you try to love me better, and i always wake up feeling so awfully shattered. no matter how fast i run, how well i hide- you always find me.

honey bee is to be published in 2010.
it will finally be the end.

update

Posted on by

0

i haven’t had a blog in awhile… i’m lacking on the updates!

on the boyfriend front:
things are going as well as they could be, all things considered

on the book front:
sloooooooow process!

on the halloween front:
holy cow! what an awesome party (from what i can remember). clean-up lasted two days, and none of the paintings are back up on the wall yet. as for halloween day? i stayed in bed til about 9pm, when the boyfriend took me out for ice cream. aaaand then i promptly crawled back into bed upon my return.

on the doing-things-for-myself front:
friday i get (hopefully) the rest of the outline done on my chest piece, and then i return home for feast club fridays (pizza night!). saturday/sunday i’ll be going to toronto for wedding dress shopping with laura. hers, not mine!

on the money front:
EEP!

that’s all for now… pictures to come!

- elle

honey bee

Posted on by

0

starting fresh-

honey bee has been sent in for quotes & layout. the bigger part of me is excited; those smaller, more intimate parts are scared- terrified he’ll find it (find me).

this is progress, though!

in other news, the new t & s album is PERFECT. i can relate to so many lyrics, again… as always. tickets for their show in january have been purchased and printed.
- elle