well, son of a bitch.
it’s a good thing it’s not 2011 yet or i’d have some serious ass-kicking to take care of.
i’ll start off by saying my christmas holiday was amazing. i got to see old friends, and spend some time at gam-gam’s by the (frozen) water, which was totally beautiful and nothing short of perfect. i ate a whole bunch of turkey sandwiches and got amazing gifts and fell more in love with my boyfriend than ever, if that’s even possible.
i work as an executive assistant for a cell phone company. i do a lot of accouting work and reconciliation and i deal with money all day, every day. so naturally, i’ve been gifted a few of the top blackberries on the market. and contrary to popular belief, these cell phones have to be paid for by someone (GASP! they aren’t FREE?!)… granted, we do get them for amazing prices, but that’s not the point- a brand new GOOD blackerry goes for over $500 these days (minimum).
now, christmas eve was celebrated 2 days early at my apartment on wednesday. my parents, my brother cory, my sister-in-law josee, and dan were there. we ate, we laughed, we got drunk and had a really nice time. but an entire cup (yes cup, i’m classy) of wine got knocked over onto my brand new (received as a gift) blackerry. and it was instantly fried. i was kind of too hopped up on mozarella sticks and box wine to give a care at the time, but once the morning rolled around and sobriety kicked in, the reality of my dilemma hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn’t have $600 to replace my (work) phone, and my boss was going to set me on fire, stuff me in a duffel bag, and throw me in the river for being so damn irresponsible.
cue the most giant AW, FUCK i’ve ever let out in my life.
i cried, internet. i sat in my boss’ office and tried to explain how it was an accident, and i felt awful, and i understand if i could never be trusted with technology again. it was a rough day, and he did make me feel pretty awful about it, but things got fixed and blah blah blah, he gave me a brand new shitty blackberry to use until after the holidays when he’d buy me a brand new AWESOME one.
correct. best boss ever.
woah, woah, woah… this story ain’t over.
so i spent christmas eve at the office, joking around with coworkers, and stuffing our face full of delicious foods at the potluck in the boardroom, and had our service guy set up my temporary phone. at this point? everything was coming up milhouse.
i was so excited, and got a hold of all my friends who were in from out of town, told them my phone was back up, and to give me a call for hang outs before they left. i texted dan, which i totally missed. i know, i’m a n00b. ALL WAS WELL IN THE UNIVERSE.
dan and i headed to my parents’ place for their annual open house. i mingled with old friends, and caught up with childhood buddies. i got awesomely sauced and shotgunned a beer in the garage with my lover. we cabbed back to the city, picked up dan’s friend rod, and stopped in at my place to get out of my skin tight clothes, and into my ratty skid clothes. i grabbed a bottle of wine, shoved it in my new purse, and we were off to brad’s for an evening of old Tom Green episodes and booze. hurrah!
brad lives 1.5 blocks away from my house. i swear, if i wanted to spit on his apartment, i probably could. THAT close. we walked out my apartment door, turned the corner, crossed the street, and…
my new (vintage) purse malfunctioned and hit the frozen sidewalk. i immediately flipped my purse upsight down and dumped everything onto the sidewalk. dan grabbed my phone, pulled the battery out and immediately started wiping it down. the bottle of red i had packed had smashed into 100 pieces and soaked everything in the purse. granted, it was a new bag, so the only things i had in there were keys, my wallet, some mittens, AND MY TEMPORARY BLACKBERRY.
i sliced my finger open and there was blood everywhere. i must have looked like a freaking jackass- standing on the sidewalk, blood everywhere, screaming about a wet blackberry. perfect, i’m THAT person.
so we ran home, dan immedately started blow drying the phone, while i rinsed my hand and got blood all over my white linen shower curtain. i know the rice trick only works with water, but i figured i’d try it anyway. we let the phone to do its’ drying magic, and off we were to brad’s house.
epilogue: two blackberries destroyed by wine in two days.
what the actual fuck? how am i going to explain this one to my boss? “oh, hi sir… i’m a wine-o, please buy me more presents so i can just kill them dead. thanks.”
either this is a sign from ye allmighty that i need to ease off the special sauce, or i’m just too fucking retarded to own anything expensive.
all signs point to technology hates me, why don’t i just have a fucking flip phone, god dammit.
give me a hug, please.
or a new blackberry.