Tag Archives: this is why i’m dumb

changes

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woah, what a break!

i didn’t realize i could live without the internet so long, but alas. i don’t necessarily need to elaborate on the how‘s & why‘s i was gone for so long, but i am glad to be back. and because i am totally superficial, i have pictures of some of the changes i’ve made over the past few months!

first! i am no longer a fake ginger, i’m a brunette!

secondly, katie and i traded bedrooms. i missed my little olive room, and i’m happy with the final set-up!

 

 

i also borrowed a friend’s tv stand, and put my tv in the living room- i’m loving how it looks now!

i got my nose pierced

i got a new tattoo

how selfish of you to believe
in the meaning of all the bad dreaming
metal heart you’re not hiding
metal heart you’re not worth a thing
- cat power

and for health & moral reasons, changed my entire diet, and went vegan (i’m about a month in and feeling incredible!), i also just bought the cutest mug (found here)

and since i’m on a roll, i’ll go ahead and say i recently sprained my ankle and tore all the ligaments in my foot, basically. i only started walking again yesterday, and i am going INSANE. here’s what it looked like a few days in…

things to remember: i am loco in the head, and also crutches? THAT SHIT IS HARD.

i’m better now- i can h0bble around, and i wear a sock over my tensor bandage to leave the house. thank goodness for amazing friends (brad, mostly) for throwing me over their shoulder and driving my gimp ass around, taking me out to dinner regularly, picking up food so i don’t die, and also fetching just about everything i ask for, ever.

pros of not being able to walk: SITTING IN THE CART AT THE GROCERY STORE (!!!) like a two year old,

cons: everything else.

misery loves finding me and then fucking with my shit. real talk.

SCIENCE.

what is my brain, even?

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WHY YES, that IS a real life window in my goddamn kitchen!

along with disgusting cupboards that will be updated, oh, NEVER.

but fuck, i have a window.

i’ll take what i can get, you know?

also, super un-funny yet true story:

what did this bra-less, makeup-less jerk do to herself at bootcamp!?

broke her butt.

how the hell does one pull her left ass-cheek? my guess is the millions of mini football runs and clock lunges that my sadist of a trainer forced me to do.

bless her heart, though.

she is totally going to make me skinny.

i feel like the only thing i’m going to eat this weekend is beer & fruit.

that’s a legit diet right?

r.i.p gut.

progress report the, uh, third?

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a lot got done in the mancave last night!

essentially all that’s left to do is get a couch and a wardrobe for all my clothes… other than that? DONE. i promise i’ll have real pictures when i do before and after shots, but in the meantime this is a super late, super dim picture of what was done lat night:

i set up my sewing area… hung up some pictures of me with my favourite montrealers, and set up my machine on a little black table… i used to have a pretty wonderful sewing table, but i sold it when i moved. all of my sewing stuff and fabric is in a box in one of the cubbies in my expedit bookshelf in the bedroom. HIDDEN! just the way i like it.

secondly, we mounted dan’s milkcrates onto the wall to use as bookshelves, or in this case tape shelves. secondly, we mounted the DVD shelves to store all our movies, tv series, and dan’s video games. i also hung the pippen jersey i got dan for christmas last year. also, that yellow car? LOVE. it used to belong to some old friends and i’ve brought it to just about every single apartment i’ve lived in. i just can’t part with it. and on the wall next to the curtains is a picture of dan and i in our halloween costumes last year, and a few (less naked pictures) of the shots julie took of me for valentine’s day.

it’s not much, but to be fair, the mancave looked like this not a week ago:

now, the kitchen is yet to be painted, but i still managed to make a cute little curtain for the pantry. the colours of the kitchen will be mocha, red, and black mostly… so the fabric i chose is a nice cream colour with hints of black and red. it’s totally shanty and crooked, but whatever! i did it super quick and you can’t even tell that i didn’t measure or pin it.

and our kitchen window is being installed TOMORROW! holy shit ya’ll, WINDOW PANES. frig, yes.

and also, i piled all of the garbage bags and empty boxes in the hallway next to the door so tall you can’t even walk by. do you think dan will take a hint and take it out today on his day off?! i’m a passive-aggressive jerk-off like that, okay? it’s how i get things done!

dan is super lucky to be in love with an asshole.

AMIRIGHT?!

i have nothing to sit on and i want to cry

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oh, please! i just moved… as if this was going to be a positive post.

but for seriously. the move went 99% perfectly. we had a few beers with them at 10am and one of them even looked like ice T… like, it was uncanny. and he told me i was “fit”. it was pretty awesome. they even had matching pony tails. my life is basically a law & order SVU episode.

anyway.

so it went ALMOST perfectly.

except…

in case you can’t tell, that’s my couch. my brand new $1300 brown leather sectional sofa. that won’t fit into my goddamned apartment.

cue psycho with neck tattoos going ape-shit.

“TAKE THE CEILING OUT, IT’S FINE”

“BREAK ALL THE WINDOWS, WE’LL JUST HOIST IT UP THREE STORIES”

“I’LL GIVE YOU TWENTY BUCKS IF YOU GIVE ME A NEW COUCH”

i was being really rationial, obviously.

lucky for me, a friend of mine moved into my old place and he doesn’t currently have a couch, so he has no problem couch-sitting until i get my shit sorted. essentially i have to call to see if they’ll trade me for a couch that WILL fit, or give me some money back, or something. if not i have to sell it and buy a new one while still making payments on this one.

COOL, HUH?

not only that… we were planning on picking up a really awesome vintage sofa from my gam-gam’s place sometime this week for the mancave, but after attempting half of my sectional, and not even being able to fit THAT through, i know we have zero chance with gam-gam’s couch.

i refuse to have anything but a sectional in our main living room because the room is perfect for a sectional, i have been waiting forever to have one, they look good, and they are SUPER comfortable. i’ll have to find one that comes apart in pieces smaller than the one i have. not to mention mine is REALLY bulky and wide, so there’s that.

as for the mancave? we’re going to have to settle on a smaller loveseat or something. which really bums me out because it could use a bigger couch, especially that it’s a “hangout” room, and we’ll need the extra seating.

sigh.

in other news, i built my first ikea piece on my own while dan was napping. i acquired like, six blisters and i totally used a hammer, but WHATEVER! it looks great!

the bedroom is mostly done, except for a few things to hang on the wall still (hooks, maybe a few more paintings or posters), but otherwise it’s basically finished! it’s beautiful and relaxing, and i am so excited with the end result. this is the view from the bed

and normally, with all the moving i’ve done, moose the cat has always had a REALLY hard time adjusting. he won’t sleep, he barely eats and he’s a total head case. he normally spends the first two weeks hiding wherever he can. but this time? the minute i let him out of his cat taxi, he started sniffing around, playing, finding new places to nap. he’s been AWESOME, and i’m so happy that this place doesn’t make him anxious at all. i woke up the first morning in the new place to a very relaxed moose sleeping at my feet.

here he is exploring the mancave

i finally had a night to myself last night… and it was AMAZING. i went grocery shopping and bought tons of fresh and healthy food, and lugged the like, 45lbs of it back to my apartment alone, on foot. that in itself was a huge work-out! i wanted to be upset about it but it felt good to get some fresh air and work my muscles a bit. not to mention, the three flight climb to my apartment with that much extra weight on? holy hell. and then i made myself a nice dinner, watched all my stories, made some tea, had a bubble bath, made cookies, and ate them in bed with a big glass of milk. it was SO relaxing, and i totally needed it.

i still can’t get over how much character this place has. it’s so adorable, and the bathroom is probably one of my favourite rooms in the house. here are some pictures i took from the tub…

do i look tired?

… because i am fucking exhausted

remember that time i almost became a pirate? … like, permanently?

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i’m cursed, ya’ll.

my body has thrown in the towel and given up on me forever. two days ago, i almost went blind in one eye. here’s the story…

it was a total freak accident. i mixed up my contact solution with a disinfectant (hi, i’m stupid)… so once my contacts soaked in that for about 7 hours, and i put one of them on my eyeball thursday morning, it immediately burned my eye, and the contact was stuck with said chemicals on my eye for over 2 minutes. result? awful chemical burn on my eyeball.

holy hell, what is my problem? i spent about 30 minutes screaming and crying and rinsing my eye out and calling my dad yelling things about my “impending blindness and oh my god, my eye is going to fall out of my very own head! drive me to emergency right now, fuck!”, etc. it was quite dramatic. i woke dan up because duh, i’m a baby. so i bawled my eyes out as he rubbed my back (assuming i was crying over the recent jersey shore episode, or because i was ovulating or some shit), until i told him what happened and he jumped out of bed and basically threw my face in the sink, washing my eye out with water. it didn’t improve and (blah blah blah insert clinics, drops, crying, screaming, eye exams, writhing on the couch in pain, whining, napping with an icepack on my face, etc etc etc)

… by midnight last night my eye stopped gushing and my vision was coming back. it’s sore today and i look awful, but at least i’m not wearing an eye patch, and my boyfriend doesn’t have to date a pirate. i can mostly see, but it’s so blurry and completely different from my right eye… i’m thinking it’s going to be mostly permanent. but all in all, major crisis averted?

christ.

fuck my life for reals, yo.

in other less fucking shitty news… here are a few blackberry pictures from the last week or so…

i showed up at a nice wine & cheese, where the owner of the loft had STAR TREK CUPS! …my kind of party

-40 in the nation’s capital? no thank you!

yummy curry dinner i made for dan and i

motorhead was on conan the other night, and moose REALLY enjoyed that… perverted punx kitty

AND! dan’s band had a spread in vice magazine announcing their vinyl release! so proud of my handsome man. look at that face! frig.

anyway… send positive vibes my way… i’m hoping to not be this freaking blind forever :(

also… i’m doing a bit of a racy/saucy/semi-nude photoshoot tomorrow… depending on just how naked i get, i might share some of the shots with you lovely readers of the internetz!

xx

- e

reasons why i’m shitty (in pictures)

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my tv schedule is not only absurd, it’s in my calendar

i complain about winter, even though this is the most snow we’ve gotten all season (and it’s already mostly gone)

i ate here this weekend (barf)

note: only worth it because when we got home, dan said this: “i’m not that mad about spending $30 on breakfast because i got to stare at how frigging cute your little nose is the entire time we were there”

i cram my friends into the trunk of a hatchback when going to said barfy restaurant for 2pm breakfast.

i ice my friends

i make said friends wear snuggies and cuddle my cat

i get giant un-poppable zits in the middle of my forehead

a letter to my body (alternatively titled: i just bitch slapped my mirror and the reflection called me a bitch)

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dearest body,

i’m so, so sorry.

i’m sorry i like cheese so much, and i’m sorry i drink beer by the pitcher. i’m sorry there’s always wine in the house, and i’m sorry that i don’t even bother using a glass 75% of the time (unless there are guests because then dan is all like, “seriously elle? have some self-respect”). i’m sorry that sometimes i shake it, before i bake it. i’m sorry i buy pasta. in bulk. i’m sorry i fed you bagels & cream cheese every day for like, 8 years straight… even though they were whole wheat bagels and low fat cream cheese. i’m sorry i ate two breakfast sandwiches that one time in the summer when i came back from the hospital with bizkoti and i was too hungry to process the decision i had just made (hint: decision immediately regretted). i’m sorry i put so much butter in the mashed potatoes i make dan (and then shove like, 4 spoonfuls into my gullet before plating it). i’m sorry for all the times i’ve watched law & order instead of doing sit ups. i’m sorry gillian michaels makes me break stuff and every time she tells me “oh my god, you look GREAT. we’re in this TOGETHER. don’t stop!”, i’ve told her to go fuck herself, and then turned off the tv. i’m sorry i spent two dollars on butterscotch snackpacks when dan gave me grocery money. i’m sorry for all the big macs i ate when i was only 100lbs, and i’m sorry i never listened to my mother when she told me it would catch up with me when i started processing food like a real human (but i am NOT sorry i supersized. those fries are fucking delicious). i’m sorry i still try to shove you into all my high-waisted, skin-tight clothing. i’m sorry i stopped dancing every week (i don’t care what anyone says! blackout dancing at the bar for five hours is TOTALLY a work out. even for a drunk). i’m sorry money’s been so tight, and i haven’t been buying fresh food as often as i normally do.

on the bright side, body? you and i both know how much i love to eat asparagus and fresh fish and meat. and i’m glad i’ve been reaching for a yogurt cup, or a healthy snack when i’m feeling peckish. i’m glad my sister-in-law talked me into trying bootcamp, and that now i know i have the ability to work out that hard. i’m glad i’ll be saving so much money living with dan so i can afford a monthly gym pass, and start bootcamp again in the spring. i’m glad my boyfriend is still crazy enough to think i’m beautiful, and spank my butt when i’m getting ready in my undies in the morning and say “BANGING BOD, BABE!” (giant boobs & blowjays on demand totally help the cause, fyi…in case you’re taking notes). i’m also really happy that i actually enjoy cooking and eating healthy foods, and that once things are a little more stable, i can totally get into that habit again.

you see, it’s not ALL bad, body. but you and i both know you’ve kind of let yourself go, and if you don’t lose 15lbs and stop wearing your yoga pants to the grocery store (when you haven’t done yoga in like, 8 months), you’re going to end up on people of walmart dot com. you and i both have over thirty dresses and ten pairs of pants you can’t squish your dumb butt into so like, get with it, okay? i know it’s a long process and it takes a few weeks to get into the habit, but starting february 1st, we’re taking a nice vacation to babeville u.s.a, population: ME. i spent last summer worrying about my love handles and my beer gut, and how un-cute those are in a skimpy gold bikini, and i’m not putting us through that again. it was awkward. for everyone. i don’t want to be skinny… i love curves and i love how giant my boobs have gotten (despite not fitting into ANY of my shirts anymore, seriously what the fuck, boobs?)… i just want to be fit, and jiggle less when i’m straddling my boyfriend, and wear dresses in the summer without wanting to slit my very own wrists.

so, i’m glad i got that out of my system. and i hope you can stop eye-fucking the chip aisle every time we go to the grocery store. what are you, 12? grow up.

love always (because really, do i have a choice?),

- e

being down on my luck: i’m doing it right

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well, son of a bitch.

it’s a good thing it’s not 2011 yet or i’d have some serious ass-kicking to take care of.

i’ll start off by saying my christmas holiday was amazing. i got to see old friends, and spend some time at gam-gam’s by the (frozen) water, which was totally beautiful and nothing short of perfect. i ate a whole bunch of turkey sandwiches and got amazing gifts and fell more in love with my boyfriend than ever, if that’s even possible.

however…

i work as an executive assistant for a cell phone company. i do a lot of accouting work and reconciliation and i deal with money all day, every day. so naturally, i’ve been gifted a few of the top blackberries on the market. and contrary to popular belief, these cell phones have to be paid for by someone (GASP! they aren’t FREE?!)… granted, we do get them for amazing prices, but that’s not the point- a brand new GOOD blackerry goes for over $500 these days (minimum).

now, christmas eve was celebrated 2 days early at my apartment on wednesday. my parents, my brother cory, my sister-in-law josee, and dan were there. we ate, we laughed, we got drunk and had a really nice time. but an entire cup (yes cup, i’m classy) of wine got knocked over onto my brand new (received as a gift) blackerry. and it was instantly fried. i was kind of too hopped up on mozarella sticks and box wine to give a care at the time, but once the morning rolled around and sobriety kicked in, the reality of my dilemma hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn’t have $600 to replace my (work) phone, and my boss was going to set me on fire, stuff me in a duffel bag, and throw me in the river for being so damn irresponsible.

cue the most giant AW, FUCK i’ve ever let out in my life.

i cried, internet. i sat in my boss’ office and tried to explain how it was an accident, and i felt awful, and i understand if i could never be trusted with technology again. it was a rough day, and he did make me feel pretty awful about it, but things got fixed and blah blah blah, he gave me a brand new shitty blackberry to use until after the holidays when he’d buy me a brand new AWESOME one.

correct. best boss ever.

woah, woah, woah… this story ain’t over.

so i spent christmas eve at the office, joking around with coworkers, and stuffing our face full of delicious foods at the potluck in the boardroom, and had our service guy set up my temporary phone. at this point? everything was coming up milhouse.

i was so excited, and got a hold of all my friends who were in from out of town, told them my phone was back up, and to give me a call for hang outs before they left. i texted dan, which i totally missed. i know, i’m a n00b. ALL WAS WELL IN THE UNIVERSE.

dan and i headed to my parents’ place for their annual open house. i mingled with old friends, and caught up with childhood buddies. i got awesomely sauced and shotgunned a beer in the garage with my lover. we cabbed back to the city, picked up dan’s friend rod, and stopped in at my place to get out of my skin tight clothes, and into my ratty skid clothes. i grabbed a bottle of wine, shoved it in my new purse, and we were off to brad’s for an evening of old Tom Green episodes and booze. hurrah!

brad lives 1.5 blocks away from my house. i swear, if i wanted to spit on his apartment, i probably could. THAT close. we walked out my apartment door, turned the corner, crossed the street, and…

SMASH

my new (vintage) purse malfunctioned and hit the frozen sidewalk. i immediately flipped my purse upsight down and dumped everything onto the sidewalk. dan grabbed my phone, pulled the battery out and immediately started wiping it down. the bottle of red i had packed had smashed into 100 pieces and soaked everything in the purse. granted, it was a new bag, so the only things i had in there were keys, my wallet, some mittens, AND MY TEMPORARY BLACKBERRY.

i sliced my finger open and there was blood everywhere. i must have looked like a freaking jackass- standing on the sidewalk, blood everywhere, screaming about a wet blackberry. perfect, i’m THAT person.

so we ran home, dan immedately started blow drying the phone, while i rinsed my hand and got blood all over my white linen shower curtain. i know the rice trick only works with water, but i figured i’d try it anyway. we let the phone to do its’ drying magic, and off we were to brad’s house.

epilogue: two blackberries destroyed by wine in two days.

what the actual fuck? how am i going to explain this one to my boss? “oh, hi sir… i’m a wine-o, please buy me more presents so i can just kill them dead. thanks.”

either this is a sign from ye allmighty that i need to ease off the special sauce, or i’m just too fucking retarded to own anything expensive.

all signs point to technology hates me, why don’t i just have a fucking flip phone, god dammit.

give me a hug, please.

or a new blackberry.

…or both

my entire life can be summed up in an andrew wk song

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um, i don’t know where to start.

what did i do this weekend other than party? apparently nothing.

thursday night dan went out for boys’ night with his best friend because he was feeling down. what do best friends do when the other feels shitty? they drink until it has nowhere to go except, um, out. dan got home and explosive-barfed all over the front of his room. barfed on records, his doc martens box, halfway up the door… i wouldn’t be surprised if he managed to up-chuck on the ceiling. to be fair he’s almost entirely sure he ate something bad because there was a lot of blood too.

awesome?

on friday night i sat in his bed listening to the spacemen 3 album he barfed on (protective plastic still on, at the time), and drank a 40 until we had to leave to go see his band’s show. while i drank, he did this:

so punk.

and if that’s not bad enough, i blacked out at the show, drank more beer that i didn’t even pay for, and then we went to go see shitty dad’s band play at another bar, where dan bought me quartz after quartz. i don’t even remember getting home, but apparently i did, because i woke up next to my boyfriend.

dan and i had breakfast with jon & the twins and left right after because he was playing a show in montreal. i did a few groceries and walked home only to realize blackout elle lost my keys somewhere in the apartment the night before, and i hadn’t noticed because dan was the one to lock up before breakfast with his set of keys.

it’s a good thing my friends are made of gold and eat unicorns and daffodils for breakfast because gen drove to my parents’ place (about ten minutes from her house) to get my spare set, and then drove to my house downtown (halfway across the city), to let me into my apartment. i sat on the floor in front of my door reading magazines, checking facebook on my phone, and contemplating opening the bottle of wine i’d bought for my brother’s christmas party that night.

when gen finally let me in i had about 40 minutes to make an artichoke dip, shower, and look cute & sober before yet another ridiculous night.

…have any of you seen beerfest?

the glass boot? DAS BOOT? i won that in the stealing santa game at the party, and just about every human there subsequently dumped their drink in it, and i had to DRINK THA BOOT.

and drink the boot i did:

my blackout eyes are in full effect.

i don’t remember much from the evening but some arrogant stranger threatened to beat me up in my own brother’s house because she thought i was chirping her (shitty) music taste, when i was actually just yelling at the computer to stop freezing.

i bailed out at 5 in the morning, didn’t get to bed til 6, and was all fucked up for the rest of the day. i went to the grocery store again (this time with my keys), and spent my life savings on marley drank (the opposite of red bull- it has valerian and melatonin in it, etc…)

i basically snoozed on soul, mon.

a few years back i suffered from a brief stint of insomnia. to help keep a regular work routine and you know, so i wouldn’t go completely bat-shit crazy, i started taking sleeping pills or melatonin strips at night. i never had any issues with sleeping aids, but there were a few times i’d get night terrors if i’d take the melatonin. i don’t know if it was the half awake state that fucked with my head, but the terrors were awful.

that being said i spent the entire day and night having the most awful night terrors i’d experienced since living with m. when i finally screamed myself awake i went to get dan and asked him to hold me til i fell asleep, and to wake me if i started having a terror.

the next day at work was awful- i was in a constant state of gagging, and i was soaked through my clothes with a cold sweat. i think a lot of it has to do with the two benders i went on, and the fact that i probably got a total of 3 hours sleep the entire weekend, not to mention the marley’s mellow medleyi gulped down in the matter of seconds… needless to say i’m in desperate need of a healthy nap, and i have to take it easy for a few days.

party til you kill yourself, apparently?

hi, i’m responsible.

why am i not surprised?

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can we all take a moment to appreciate the fact that a search engine term linking to my website was butt fart.

someone actually typed butt fart in their google search bar, and my website came up.

today suddenly just got awesome.

in other less fabulous news, tonight is my last bootcamp session and i’m really bummed. i’ve been feeling the burn, and although i don’t see a difference, i definitely feel it immensely. i won’t be going back in january because my sister-in-law won’t be attending, and i’m obviously a huge wimp and i’m afraid of humans. she’s been a super great fitness buddy though, so if she asked me to join another class with her, i would in a heartbeat. so, someone force me to do a couple of crunches and jumping jacks at home, please? or, i don’t know, give me a couple hundred bucks so i can buy a used stationary bike so i can get fit while i watch my stories?

i hate being broke. thanks alcoholism, homelessness, shitty ex-boyfriends, and unstable living situations! you’re the bane of my existence.

duh, because nothing is ever my fault.

who the hell put sugar in my coffee? my mouth hurts and i’m climbing the walls.

this entry was 100% pertinent.

you’re so very welcome.

end.