Tag Archives: work

self worth

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human skin can be hard to live in

- seabear

 

i’ve been having a hard time.

don’t get me wrong- i’ve been having an incredible summer and a hell of a good time with my friends, and family… from mexican fiesta themed bachelorette parties, to family picnics by the waterfront, to barbecues and slumber parties, and more ladies’ nights and living room dance marathons than i can even count. i have the most amazing support system- the constant emails and phone calls from my mum & pops, the text messages from my brother, the goodness in my friends’ hearts and their willingness to give and to love and to be there for me… i can’t even wrap my head around it sometimes. a friend dropped in last night to give me oral numbing gel for my tooth ache because he knew my EI money hadn’t come in yet and he couldn’t stand the idea of me sitting around, doing nothing about the pain i was in.

that’s the kind of people i have in my life.

and i am so grateful for them, for this time off, for the strength i had in myself to finally make these changes in my life.

but i am still struggling.

sometimes i have to remind myself that i’ve come a long way. that i escaped a dangerous life with an awful man and survived his abuse and our lifestyle. without a penny in my pocket, or a chance in the world- i dusted myself off, and set off to build a new, healthy life. i got an excellent job with zero experience and no education, hopped from house to house until i found a safe place to call home- all while keeping my head above water. not a single person knew of my struggles because i wouldn’t show my scars. “i am strong, i am independent, i can do this”- this is how i got myself out of bed in the mornings. i was barely eighteen years old.

and i get it, you know.

i’m an easy target.

i’m young, i have fucked up one hell of a lot, i have put my family through torture and hell, i am covered in tattoos, i struggle with money, i have been pulled from my own bed- pulled from depression and drinking, and i’ve been told to fucking smarten up and be a real human being because this life business is HARD.

despite all of the bullshit, though… at least i could always say i was capable. i was capable of a good life, with healthy people, and a nice house, with good furniture. and i had a job.

jesus christ, i had a job!

a job i could keep, a job i was good at, a job that allowed me to fully furnish the houses i’d been hoping to and from. a job that allowed me to eat, and play, and be a real adult for the first time in fucking ever.

wait, adults say “in fucking ever”, right?

whatever.

i am not struggling with the time off, or the copious amount of naps i have been allowing myself to take in the middle of the afternoon, thank you very much.

i’m struggling with the lack of income, and what that has done to my independence.

i am no charity case. and although i love surprises and dates and all that fun stuff… i don’t like when people feel obligated to pay for me. i was perfectly capable of paying for my movies, or my food, or my antibiotics, or my mothers’ birthday presents. but when i can’t participate in menu items for a cottage weekend getaway, or i have to skip out on certain activities because my bank account is at -$7.32, and i have one toonie left in my wallet, and i’m wondering how the actual fuck i’m going to eat next week because i still don’t have a clue as to when EI will come in… that scares me.

and i’m brought back to a place where i don’t like being.

to the attic apartment of 148 breezehill avenue, where i am barely seventeen, and i haven’t eaten in weeks, and my junkie boyfriend is out on a binge, fucking the girls from the shop, and leaving me to fucking die. a place where i am sitting in the corner of the living room, under a wall of broken plaster, listening to ani difranco on repeat, trying to get the courage to finally call my mother and ask her to save me.

i know that isn’t the case, anymore. but the thought of not knowing, and starting from scratch again… it scares the living shit out of me.

as for these last few days… i have to laugh off the bullshit comments about being a punk rock warrior. i have to try not to be offended when people are shocked if i turn down an opportunity to drink when the cold, wet cans are staring me straight in the face. and i have to get over this whole idea that leaving my job was a bad move. i have to shrug off the comments about my relationship with dan going down the shitter…

but here’s the thing.

fuck everyone.

(adults can say that too, right?)

yeah, fuck ‘em.

i’m not sorry.

i’m not sorry i fucked up with m. i’m not sorry for a single tattoo on my body. i’m not sorry the drinking was a problem, for years. i’m not sorry my relationship with dan ended, and he had to move out, and i’m not sorry i was still fucking him after we broke up. i’m not sorry that i’ve had moments of weakness, of desperation, of chaos, or sadness. i’m not sorry for quitting my job. i’m not sorry for being fucking human.

here’s the thing with acceptance and self-worth.

i’m fucking horrible at it.

a good friend made a joke at my expense, and how did i deal with it? i came home, took off my tights, turned off the lights, blasted daniel johnston super loud, and fucking bawled my eyes out for an hour.

ADULT LIFE!

i’m not used to this. i’m not used to dependence or zero income, or feeling this helpless. it’s awful, and it’s fucking with my head, the way it fucked with my head then. the freedom was incredible, at first. i sat in the park, blowing bubbles, drinking beer from a coffee cup, watching my friends play street frisbee at midnight, dancing until 4 in the morning, going to the beach all day, having iced green tea in summer dresses at two in the afternoon at my favourite coffee shops, drinking mimosas with breakfast, stuffing my face with pretty people at restaurants’ soft openings, chatting all afternoon on the porch…it’s been so liberating.

and now i’m all, “fuck”.

because the money is gone, and so is the glamour, et all.

along with my confidence & independence.

and so now, i wait.

for money. for an epiphany. for a job opportunity that will blow my socks off.

—

post script:

i am no longer fucking my ex-boyfriend. he returned my glasses, and i gave him back his computer, and we haven’t spoken in days, and i am feeling free and happy and strong. i know now, more than ever, that i want a future- and it most certainly isn’t with him. am i mourning the loss of my best friend in the entire world? hell yes. will i get over it? totally.

on, and up.

 

i get by with a little help from my friends…

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i may have mentioned my work mama on here once or twice before…

she was my boss for three years at my old job, and she’s the director of sales here at the place i’ve been at for a year. she has my back for everything and she always pushes me to reach for the stars and give it my all. the amount of times we have held each other in tears, or been there for one another to let out our secrets and our pains… i can’t even count. i would be LOST without her- without my morning hugs and afternoon chats.

she is what i’ll miss most about working here, hands down.

in any case, she’s had a hard time with knowing what i’ve been put through here, and i’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around not working with her for the first time in 4-5 years. it’s gut-wrenching.

she is more than my work mama, my mentor, my boss… we’ve become such good friends.

and what do friends do together when they’ve been down in the dumps?

GET MANI/PEDIS TOGETHER, OBVI.

we skipped out this afternoon without anyone even noticing (NINJAS!) and had a perfectly girly few hours giggling at the nail salon, ending with big sandwiches from the deli.

(oh my god, i love this woman!)

so fun!

changes

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do you remember when i wrote this post?

two things have happened since then.

thing the first: i stopped taking my anger out on dan and my family. i am allowed to be hurt, and i am allowed to be stressed, but the last thing i am allowed to do is take it out on people who love me- on the people who have been there for me every step of the way.

the second thing that happened? things have escalated. they have gotten progressively worse. wait, that is the understatement of the year. the abuse, the anger, the finger-pointing and condescending way i’m spoken to every single day… the way i am treated as a slave, not an assistant, has gotten so bad that my emotional and mental health are at stake.

after a particularly uncomfortable and argumentative blowout, i told my boss i was miserable- that i couldn’t work under these conditions and that i’d be leaving after my one year contract.

working under pressure is one thing- but working miserably in tears after being verbally abused on a regular basis? that’s quite another.

my coworkers are sad to see me go, and i am fighting back tears when i think of leaving them too- but every single one of them told me that they completely understand, and they’re proud of me for being his first assistant to finally stand up to him.

i’ve wanted to leave for awhile now, and at least this will give me the push to finally make a change. i’m scared, i’m worried, i’m hopeful, i’m sad… i’m just a whole mix of confused right now and i don’t know what comes next.

i moved out so young- i never furthured my education, i’ve never really given a thought to the future because 1. i didn’t have the time to, and 2. i was too afraid to. being an independant grown-up is hard when you’ve spent years hiding under a rock, ignoring the strong woman you can be. it seems i’m constantly building myself only to be torn down again, and i’m tired.

i’m so tired.

i have plans and goals and i have a few weeks to figure out what my next step will be. whether that next step is school, a government job, or a new & exciting position in the the working world, we’ll see.

but right now? right now i’m focusing on getting healthy, settling my nerves, kicking ass at bootcamp, enjoying time with my family, falling more and more in love with my supportive boyfriend, and looking forward to a better, happier future.

wish me luck…

undone

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i’ve got this problem… a sickness. an awful virus i’ve recently contracted that i can’t seem to shake.

i’ve got a bad case of The Bitch.

(and you KNOW it’s serious because i never capitalize shit).

for the first time since i grew tits and started wiping my own ass (so to speak), my life isn’t completely in shambles. it actually, mostly, makes sense. and other than the little issues i have with myself, and the day-to-day stresses of life, i am generally a happy person.

you see, it’s my job.

(yes, i’m putting this shit on the internet)

not the job itself, really- that, i am perfectly capable of accomplishing when i’m mentally stimulated and busy enough to gain momentum and get things done… it’s this one human who comes into this building and completely diminishes everything i’ve worked hard on fixing since having my life ripped apart by m (is that dramatic?). don’t get me wrong- this person doesn’t beat me, or have a drug addiction, or even any small resemblance to m. they aren’t the same age, they have different backgrounds- cultural and religious; they have nothing in common, really.

except one thing.

this person has this way of making me feel so awful, so small, so fucking stupid, i actually feel sick to my stomach when he speaks to me. he talks to me like i am nothing but a minion, like i am less than. i am just a young woman, working this position as his bitch. and when a mistake is made by him (a mistake that is so beyond anything in my control), i am blamed for it. i am the one responsible. and he makes sure me, and everyone around me, know it. and then my credibility- the one thing i have worked so hard on since working the smoothie bar when i was seventeen- pouring liquor into the only food i was putting into my body at the time- since going out there and making something of the mess i’d been for so long… my credibility? is fucking shot, because he is too high and mighty to accept challenges, overcome defeat, or be a man and acknowledge his short-comings as a person of power within this company.

i don’t know where to go to from here. there are only so many times i can sit in the director’s office- crying my eyes out. there are only so many hours or minutes in the day i can ignore or avoid this person. there are only so many emotional, angry outbursts i can inflict on dan until everyone has had enough. i go on and on about limits and what we allow ourselves to go through- and yet here i am, lashing out on those i love because i have no way to understand or control the amount of anger i’m feeling- the amount of anger i thought i’d never feel again.

i don’t understand it- the ease with which people lie, or hurt people. how can you possibly be so heartless, you feel nothing when you see that kind of pain in someone’s eyes? to continue speaking to them in a condescending manner until they themselves feel so inferior they’re afraid to speak to you, or they sleep in an extra hour and show up late every day for work because they have no more fight- no more drive to do the job they were so proud of doing.

i have come such a long way. i have a back-bone and i’ve even managed to figure out the use of it- the mechanics of being a stronger human being, a strong woman. and yet, here i am. so fucking diminished and small. how can i fight when strength could potentially render me jobless?

i don’t know.

and so here i am, again. fucking helpless and angry- afraid to move on from something… from a job that i loved- a job that made me feel so proud and accomplished, at first.

one hell of a weekend!

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oye vey.

the weekend started off perfectly when i received a card in the mail from one of my most favourite ladies ever!

on friday night i made a few alterations to my most favourite skirt in the world, and BAM, i’m fourteen all over again…

…let me refresh your memory:

hahaha. worst quality photo ever, yet SO awesome.

then my two favourite montreal boys came to visit! my old roommate skinhead jesse, and kevin. we hung out for a bit at my place, and then headed to a party…

brass monkeys, gin, tall boys, pizza, and the fireplace channel

on saturday afternoon after breakfast, i went to finish up some christmas shopping while dan went to help adam with some speakers. not even an hour after i left i got a call from dan with some terrible news. he slipped in the slush and fell, the speaker fell on his hand, and he fell ontop of the speaker. he split his finger open, broke a finger and a couple of knuckles. he HATES hospitals and the clinics stopped taking patients by that time, so i had to clean up the wound (barf), rub ointment on the open wound (double barf) and bandage him up (triple barf). ah, the things you’ll do for love.

broken boy is tired :(

that night i had my christmas work party. the pictures have already begun to surface and they are HILARIOUS. i love my co-workers and i can’t believe how hard they all like to party. i did shots with the president! THE PRESIDENT! i have a picture of the sales manager peeing on a wall, and there’s one where i’m sitting on his lap, and the director of sales has her leg wrapped around my neck and i’m licking her shin while she’s wearing a sales rep’s tie. jesus christ, man. i won’t post pictures of the evidence, but here’s what i wore!

there seems to be an ongoing theme in my life right now…

… which i’m okay with at the moment, because my only real responsibilities right now include getting to work every day, paying the bills on time, and attempting to stay alive- sort of. so i’m doing pretty okay.

in other more normal, mundane news… i got THE cutest eliment covers for four bucks on sunday!

hurrah!

my plans for the week?

tonight: clean apartment
tomorrow: make sure apartment is spotless
wednesday: early christmas eve at my apartment with mum, pops, cory, josee, and dan!
thursday: roll around naked in my presents
friday: work potluck, and open house party at my parents’ place
saturday: more christmas presents with dan! + christmas at my gam-gam’s.
sunday, monday, tuesday: holiday bender!

i’m pretty pumped!

and i’m also 100% broke.

yay, christmas!

a small remnant; any small quantity.

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it all seems minuscule and yet so monumental- all at once.

i was looking at my toes peeking out from my peep toe heels, thinking about nothing important- needing a pedicure, or another pair of shoes equally as comfortable. i was nervously playing with my own hands, the way i always do when i’m avoiding eye contact. i was confessing something quite serious and the words sort of summer-saulted out out of my mouth before i could even stop them. i had literally verbally exploded and before i knew it, it was too late to retract anything i’d said.

maybe i’m selfish in thinking no one can grasp the pain i still allow myself to feel. i enable myself to hurt so much and let it get to me the way it does. and still- her response? she shrugged her shoulders. she dismissed my pain & loss like it was nothing. like i’d “get over it” when i’m mature enough to grasp the good i’d done. it seems stupid now, but it made me so angry to know someone else had been through a similar experience and felt nothing. how could you? how could you possibly feel nothing?

maybe i do this to myself on purpose.

i live alone, i mourn in silence, i feel sad when i go to sleep, and i feel inadequate when i wake up. i put hours and days of work into an apartment i already want to move out of, and i still hate calling this place home. there was a mouse once and i killed a spider a few hours ago, and the cupboards smell like old toast. no matter how many meals i cook, or hours i spend cleaning, or time i leave the windows open for fresh air… it still smells stale. it’s like some stupid metaphor for how fucking stagnant my life is, isn’t it?

i don’t know how i can play with the extremes of my lifestyles so seamlessly. strangers look at me in awe and wonder how the hell i stay so together, all the time. how i manage to be this responsible, independent business woman around the clock without losing my shit. but that’s the funniest part. i haven’t always been this way. they see the tight orange curls, the obsessively manicured nails, or the tailored suit jackets- and i’ve got them fooled. seven months ago i was ironically snorting drugs off an old book in my friend’s bed, i was drunk most days, and couch hopping. i had no energy to apartment hunt, i was thinking of ways to quit my job, and i was fooling myself into getting my “shit together”. in two months i’d drank away nearly $4,000… how is that even possible?

you see, that’s how i mourn loss. i self-destruct and i hit the snooze button until i’ve dug myself a hole so deep i can barely see the light. in the matter of seconds i’d lost my boyfriend, his family, a home, and my will to work. i had literally given up on everything and i was just waiting for a miracle.

i don’t remember what made me change my mind- but i did. i found a place to live, i put some money in the bank, and i finally quit my job. i had no real plan other than swim, because i’d been sinking for far too long. i fought hard to get the job i have now, and despite everything… i love it. i love the long hours, the hard work, and the stress of it all. i drink four coffees a day, i have no time to eat, and my boss is totally nuts, but i’ve found my niche- and against all odds… i’m good at it.

i don’t know what it is that keeps me writing about the past. i’m so consumed with immortalizing what is clearly dead- i’m consumed with what once was, and what will never be. i am so stuck on reliving the four worst years of my life, that it’s staggering my emotional growth. i have always been so fucking wrapped up in m and his stupid ability to control me, even years after i’ve left him. what is it about being broken that is so fucking easy?

i keep using all these horrible experiences as excuses to not get close- to not let anyone in. i figure if i don’t scare them away with all this baggage, then they’re too fucking crazy for me anyway. how funny is that? you know why my relationship with andy failed? because he knew i was afraid it was going to. granted, he’d met me two months after i’d left m and i was still petrified he’d find me, but that’s beside the point.

my emotions are unhealthy. i am unhealthy. and i need to get healthy if i’m about to let anyone in at this point. i have a big heart and my intentions lately have been mostly good… i need to move past this.

i’m just having a really, really hard time.

work is my boyfriend

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i want to marry my job.

sure, i work late a bunch, and i’ve agreed to come in on saturdays whenever extra work needs to be done… but i really can’t complain. my boss is by far the most understanding, funny, easy-going, entertaining human i’ve worked for. he’s demanding and he likes things done a certain way, but he brings me to little italy a few times a week for lunch or coffee, he buys me gourmet pastries regularly and he makes working hard completely worth it. not to mention the fact that the director of sales is an old friend who knows me better than most people, and she’s made the transition into this new job seamless. i couldn’t be in a better place.

even though 90% of the time i’m sitting at my desk i’m face-palming

also, thanks to home sense and its amazing deals, i got this $15 ipod dock/pencil holder/lamp thingy so i can totally listen to devendra banhart instead of katy perry on the radio at work! it looks totally tacky but i’m pretty sure my office is getting a huge overhaul because there are some big changes happening within the company… so it’ll start looking nicer in here.

so i finally figured out why i hate having straight hair and bangs again… i totally look like an asian dominatrix. fuck my life! i need these bangs to grow out asap, and i need to keep curling my hair every day. this shit is embarrassing.

and finally, a picture of moose vladimir… because holy crap look how handsome he is!

ever since the wall of fame has been put up in my living room i feel like crafting, antique-ing, and decorating. i’ve already decided i’m moving once my lease is up in may, so i don’t want to start any huge projects but i’d like to have a bunch of nice things to fill my new house.

anyway! i’m really trying to keep busy, and this weekend there’s a bunch of stuff going on so i’m feeling a little bit better.

…now that it’s all gone so horribly well

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oh geez!

i can’t beleive i ignored this part of my life for so long!

first of all- i’m still alive.

secondly, holy shit! what is my life?! i started a new job a few weeks back and it has completely and totally consumed me. the hours are better, the money is better, the lifestyle is better, and i’m generally a happier person. i’m motivated to actually leave my house when i get home- even if i’ve worked over-time, and i’ve stopped napping so much. on the flip side i don’t really give myself the chance to open up to new people in terms of dating. i seem to shut people down before i give myself the opportunity to get close to them (but what else is new?) i think i’m just finally content with things. i’ll let the chips fall where they may and i’ll take it day by day. i can’t help but feel a little lonely in my apartment, but whatever… i think i’ll just get a bigger place when my lease is up next summer and settle into this new independent life i sort of fell into.

i’ve been crushing hard on boys i shouldn’t get involved with. i’ve been wreckless and careless, but i’m finally learning how to balance party-elle and business-elle. i’ve stopped drinking on week nights, and i keep all the silliness for the weekend.

that being said, i’m going to montreal this weekend. dan’s playing a show on friday, and three friends are having birthdays on saturday. i want to be home on sunday to (hopefully) hangout with my brother, and i’ll be relaxing on my day off on monday.

i hope that i can finally get back into the swing of things here, because i really miss all of you. bare with me while i settle into this new little routine i have going on…

i may have been m.i.a for a few weeks, but rest assured knowing i’m still a total dill-hole; even in my new role working side-by-side with a comptroller and president of a company…

a brief update

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on thursday night i headed over to stephen’s for an amazing meal (and a bottle of wine)

my last day of work was uneventful… i got to wear my new dress

i finished everything i needed to do and skipped out at noon to head to a cottage

and these last few days were spent cuddling with this guy

in other news i had an interview and i’ll likely be accepting the position today. i also visited andy, his brother, and our old house yesterday after the interview. it was bitter-sweet but the visit itself was good. we got a chance to catch up on all the weddings, all the summer plans, and everything we’ve been up to. i miss those boys sometimes. his brother matty came running from the kitchen to give me a hug! sigh.

i also started the jillian michael’s 30 day shred, and let it be said… that woman is a sick sadist. i couldn’t finish the damn twenty minute work-out and i can barely stand. i think strangers saw me icing my vagina on my couch last night. i haven’t completely lost hope yet, but i think i’m gonna have to stick to cardio and abs until my dumb body can handle strength. to make it worse, biz and i walked around the city last night and by 11pm i had to call it quits and go home for a good crotch/butt icing.

up until two nights ago i’d spent the last month sleeping on my couch. i didn’t realize how seriously fucked up it is to be so uncomfortable in my own home because of past experiences and that sleeping on the couch isn’t normal. i’ve never been good at this whole self-preservation thing, but biz helped me see everything in a new light. it was nice to get some of those issues off my chest.

i’m gonna spend the rest of my time enjoying my days off, napping, and swearing loudly at jillian.

that’s it in the land of elle!